The Art of Self-Deception

Keep

It

Together

Me: Haha don't be flattered I hate that I'm telling you this.

and I hate that I love you.and I hate that you keep asking me

if I want to make out with you cause I secretly do

TC: I know you do :) and I do wanna make out with u too ally :)

Me: I hate you as much as I love you

TC : I know that I'm irresistible to most ppl.

But its u that I can't resist

Me: I still don't believe you.

TC : Fuck you, I do

Me: Don't bluff me terence.I just want to say that

I'll still love you as a friend even if you don't

love me that way

TC : You're fucking hurting me. I do

_________________________________________________

jul 30, 2011

that's almost an entire year ago

You started this

I never wanted to believe that you cared

But you tried so hard to convince me that you did

Only to break my heart

I'm going fucking insane

And I cant fucking stop this

I hate myself

I hate myself for what I let myself become

Your plaything

Thats what I am to you

Your plaything

Thats what I always was.

They are right

We are trying to do something impossible

To be friends, after everything,

HA

thats a really good joke

Give me back my year,

I'll give you back our friendship.

You cant have everything.

You just can't

Thats not how this works

I'm going crazy

And youre doing just fine

And I'm sick to death of being on the losing end.

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lieag;dslnvjadnbjd.fdancmdxz.vndsmv.afkalgdhgaig;wei

gaevbdskva.skva;bjakg.alsdjgsagdhdhfdgadfasdhltosor

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou

God bless my soul. I’m freaking losing my mind.

He was drunk today and he was texting me lyrics from

(of all things) Angie

I would like to think that it actually meant something

I want to

Except that it probably didnt

because

HE WAS DRUNK

He probably just liked the tune.

I dont know.

Oh god

I am going mad

I’m going to end up in freaking IMH

sooner or later

I dont see this ending any other way

I hate my life.

Love is the most useless thing on the entire planet.

ANGIE

Angie, Angie
When will those clouds all disappear?
Angie, Angie
Where will it lead us from here?
With no loving in our souls
And no money in our coats
You can’t say we’re satisfied
But Angie, Angie
You can’t say we never tried
Angie, You’re beautiful
But ain’t it time we said goodbye
Angie, I still love you
Remember all those nights we cried?
All the dreams we held so close
Seemed to all go up in smoke
Let me whisper in your ear
Angie, Angie
Where will it lead us from here?
Angie, don’t you weep
All your kisses still taste sweet
I hate that sadness in your eyes
But Angie, Angie
Ain’t it time we said goodbye?
With no loving in our souls
And no money in our coats
You can’t say we’re satisfied
But Angie, I still love you, baby
Everywhere I look I see your eyes
There ain’t a woman that comes close to you
Come on baby dry your eyes
But Angie, Ain’t it…
Ain’t it good to be alive?
Angie, Angie
You can’t say we never tried

“The fiercest anger of all, the most incurable,
Is that which rages in the place of dearest love.”
― Euripides, Medea and Other Plays

“When she came to her senses again she cut off all contact with him. It had not been easy, but she had steeled herself. The last time she saw him she was standing on a platform in the tunnelbana at Gamla Stan and he was sitting in the train on his way downtown. She had stared at him for a whole minute and decided that she did not have a grain of feeling left, because it would have been the same as bleeding to death. Fuck you.”
― Stieg Larsson, The Girl Who Played With Fire

I’m up crying again.

It’s almost 4am and I’m up crying and I can’t sleep

because of a stupid fucking boy

And I hate myself for it

It makes me feel pathetically weak

It reminds me of just how little control I have

over this entire situation

It makes me hate myself more than I already did

If its even possible for me to hate myself more than I already do

And yet.

I cant fucking stop crying.

I want to scream.

I want to scream till whatever’s on freaking Mars can hear me

That god forsaken planet that represents the worse half

of the human species

The half which I so thoroughly detest

I want to scream till the walls collapse and my lungs give way

And my heart caves in

I want to scream till I die of exhaustion

Cause that’s the only fucking way I am going to be happy

Nobody understands this

Nobody understands me at all

I dont fucking want a relationship anymore

And I dont want to get married anymore

I dont fucking believe in marriage anymore

The ‘sanctity’ in marriage does not exist

People lie and cheat and fall out of love all the time

They leave.

Nobody can promise you forever.

I cant go through this again

I cant suffer another heartbreak

I’d rather be alone

I’m not going to end up like my mum

I’d rather die than end up miserable the way my mum is

But do you understand what that means for me?

I want alot of things out of life

I want to be rich and successful

I want to grow up to be beautiful

I want to find a job that I love

But my whole life, the one thing that I have wanted

more than anything in the world

was to have kids

I want my own precious little babies

I would make a good mummy

I know I would.

But I always promised myself that

I would never bring a kid into this world

Unless I found a guy who was worthy of being the father.

No real relationship = no marriage = no kids

I have to let go of this thing

Which I want so badly

You know

When my uncle brought back Anastasia two months ago

He was so happy with his wife and his gorgeous baby

I was so happy for him

But I was so scared to hold her.

Cause part of me was happy to hold her

But the other part of me just died when I carried her

Do you know what its like to be so close to something you want so badly

And to know that its something that you will never have

HAHA

Its kind of like my whole relationship with him, isnt it?

I’ll never be happy for the rest of my life

The things I want most

I never ever ever get

I have nothing

My dad doesnt love me

My mum is so so far away

I miss her so much

But I cant fix this.

I’ve finally graduated but I have absolutely no interest

in looking for a job now.

The guy Ive been crazy in love with,

the guy who’s spent months and months

trying to convince me that he loves me

even when I didnt believe it

It turns out he doesnt love me either

I dont even love myself

I hate myself for my goddamn stupidity

Nothing is right

Everything is fucking wrong

Everytime I cross a road I hope a car knocks me down

I just dont want to be here anymore

God would be doing a favour if I died in my sleep

So many people around me are dying now

They all probably wanted to live more than me.

WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR

Why do we never ever get what we want

I must have done something to piss god off really badly

I must have fucked up real bad somewhere along the way

Cause thats the only way I can explain all of this.

Sick to death of crying

I want to stop

I need it to stop

I cant live like this

I really cant

Something’s gotta give.

He wanted to ask her what sound a heart made when it broke from pleasure, when just the sight of someone filled you the way food, blood, and air never could, when you felt as if you’d been born for only one moment and this, for whatever reason, was it.

“

—	Dennis Lehane, Shutter Island (via promises-k3pt)

If I were to ever get married (its looking highly unlikely at this point. But if it were to ever happen) this is what I would do on our wedding night. hahaha.